When children disclose sexual abuse it is important that the person hearing the disclosure respond in a supportive way. In fact, the way in which a disclosure is handled can have a profound impact on the outcome of the investigation.
It is important to always believe what the child tells you. Children do not make up allegations of sexual abuse. The child may tell you something shocking and unbelievable. He/she may implicate someone you think is incapable of sexually abusing a child. Regardless of what you think of the disclosure, you need to suspend any disbelief you may have. One reason children hesitate to disclose sexual abuse is because they think no one will believe them.
Your demeanor is very important to the child. He/she has chosen to tell you about the abuse because he/she trusts you. You must remain calm while you are with the child. You must communicate to the child that you can handle the information.
It is important for you to deal with the emotions you are feeling, but not while you are with the child. If you are feeling overwhelmed seek support from a friend, colleague, or mental health professional. In order to provide support for the child you need to have adequate support yourself.
Many times children either hint about the abuse or give vague disclosures. If this happens you will need to get more information. To the extent possible, ask open-ended questions, so the child can tell you in his/her own words what happened. “Tell me more about that,” or “Then what happened?” are good ways to get information.
As soon as you suspect what the child is telling you is abuse, stop asking questions. This can be difficult because you will naturally want to know everything that happened. It is important to allow the investigator to ask the questions, so there is the best possible opportunity for the child to make a full disclosure. If the child is not ready to talk about the abuse, it can be damaging to push him/her to do so. Of course, if the child wants to talk, be sure to listen and provide plenty of support. In all cases let the child know that he/she did the right thing and that you will do all you can to help keep him/her safe.
Finally, make a report. The law requires you to report as soon as you suspect abuse. You do not need to confirm or be able to prove your suspicions. Remember, you are in a position to make a great difference in the lives of children.
back to topExceptions to the touching rules are for hygiene, health care, and safety.
If someone breaks the touching rules go to a grown up for help.
If something gives me the "uh-oh" feeling go to an adult for help.
Have you ever watched someone playing with a child and felt uncomfortable with it? Perhaps you thought, "I'm just overreacting," or, "He/She doesn't really mean that." Don't ignore the behavior; learn how to ask more questions about what you have seen. The following checklist offers some warning signs.
If you answered "yes" to some of these questions, talk to that person. If you are uncomfortable, but don't see the signs, be sure to trust your instincts and ask questions. For information and advice on how to talk to someone, please call Blue Sky Bridge at 303-444-1388. This information comes from the National Child Advocate, Vol. 5, No. 2.
back to topBy Octavia Allis, LCSW
Octavia Allis, LCSW has been a clinical and consulting social worker for over 25 years. She is founder of the Renaissance Projects.
Karen was 35 and had not seen her family in five years. Michael was recently diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and was disruptive in class. Sari was the middle child in a household of achievers. Her sophisticated and socially adept parents worried that their beautiful 12 year old was losing weight and self-confidence. They could not understand why she wanted to die.
These people had one thing in common., they were all verbally, physically, or sexually abused by their siblings.
Most of us grow up in families with one or more children. Most of us have lived through our share of teasing. But some children are regularly ridiculed, shoved, hit, or sexually abused. Experts report that sibling abuse occurs twice as often as parental abuse.
Some psychologists believe that health sibling rivalry gives children the opportunity to learn how to deal with envy and jealousy and is helpful in handling competition later on in life. Most experts believe that unhealthy sibling rivalry can have a lifelong negative impact.
Sibling temperament, sex, birth order, an individual compatibility with parents is all factors in the way siblings relate. The most important factor is their parent's relationship to them and to one another.
Sibling abuse occurs both in families where there is parental abuse and in families where there is no recorded parental violence. However, most studies indicate that sibling abuse occurs in families where there is high stress, difficulty communicating, or poor problem-solving skills.
Children who feel powerless or neglected will compete for their parent's attention and may turn their anger and unmet needs on their siblings.
Patterns of behaviors are typically passed down from one generation to the next. Parents who grew up with teasing and taunting will often dismiss their children's concerns by saying, "That's just sibling rivalry," "They'll toughen up," or "It will help them deal with competition later on in life."
Sibling abuse is often a hidden factor behind the rising rates of obesity, anorexia, and depression.
Sibling abuse occurs with both boys and girls, but boys are more likely to physically or sexually act out. Many experts state that the pervasive cultural nom of male prerogative and permission for males to be sexually, verbally, and physically aggressive is a major factor into sibling sexual abuse. In fact, one recent study indicates that it is common for adult males to forget or minimize their abuse of their sisters, while their sisters remember in detail and suffer well into their adult years. But occasionally, incest between sibling is the result of unhappy children with unmet needs who turn toward each other for comfort.
Young males who abuse sexually often point to the influence of violent sexual images on the Internet and in the media and may use drugs and alcohol. Girls who have been victimized may often dress seductively and act out sexually.
Though mutual sexual exploration between siblings is common in early years, any forced sexuality including penetration, fondling, forced undressing, exposure to pornographic material, or verbal comments is abusive.
For example, one teen's brothers regularly commented on her developing body. She became so self-conscious that she was unable to wear shorts of a swimsuit. She was a natural athlete, but could not bring herself to participate in school sports. Although she was not raped by her brothers she was systematically verbally abused and objectified.
When does normal or health sibling rivalry become abusive? What are the signs? How do we know when to intervene?
Look for persistent patterns of ridicule, putdowns, bullying, shoving, pushing, or intimidation. Is behavior age-appropriate? Is one child more perfect, withdrawn, passive or provocative that the others? Does your son or daughter seem depressed or angry? Does your daughter dress or act seductively? What about family exposure to drug, alcohol, excessive Internet use, pornography and TV, music, or video violence? Do you have fun together? Do you devote enough time and attention to your children? Do you have a preference for one child? Are you happy, or stressed and overwhelmed? Are you undergoing a lot of life changes? Do you yell, use sarcasm, or physically discipline? Is it easy for you to listen? Do you feel appreciated and heard? Do your children?
When any child in a family feels intimidated or pressured, something is wrong. Take steps to support and protect each of your children.
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